Guys Don’t Get Pregnant

@theo

“Ernie, you can’t be pregnant,” I say. “It’s biologically impossible—”

“Last night, at Janny Boy’s, I forgot to put my earmuffs on. That evil fucking cassette tape must’ve been next door. It hexed my ass, and when I dozed off, the sound waves traveled through Jan’s cheap cardboard walls, and—”

I grab Ernie by the shoulders, hold him face-to-face. “Ernie, listen. There’s no such thing as an evil cassette tape that gets people pregnant when they play it. It’s just an idiotic meme.”

Ernie hefts his belly with both hands and thrusts it at me (thankfully the overhang created by his fat helps to obscure his wang). “Explain this, then!”

“I don’t know! Maybe it’s wheat bloat, or a tumor, or massive internal bleeding, or just plain ol’ all-American obesity! But you’re definitely not pregnant. You’re a guy, and guys don’t get pregnant!

“Louis Gossett Jr. totally got knocked up by Dennis Quaid in that movie!” Ernie presses his belly against me. “Feel! It just kicked inside me!”

Speaking of movies, I’m grimacing just like Sigourney Weaver in Alien 3. “That’s indigestion. Your various gasses percolating.”

“I see how it is. You don’t want to pay up.” Ernie pulls away, folds his arms. “I was right about El Cassetto, now I’m pregnant, and now you owe me fifty bucks.”

I jab my finger angrily at his belly. “If a doctor took an X-ray of your stomach right now the only thing they’d find would be several dozen honey buns floating face-down in a gallon of soda!”

Ernie jabs his finger angrily at my chest. “And if they X-rayed your chest they’d find a heart as black as coal!”

“Ernie, you’re not pregnant.”

“Am too!”

“Am not.”

“Too!”

“Not.”

Too!

Not.

Ernie slumps back into his chair, defeated. Doesn’t even bother covering back up. “What does it matter? This is the brave new world we live in. I’m pregnant. You’re hung. Darklord will take us all.”

Remember the key words thing I mentioned earlier? “I’m not hung.”

“You are.”

Not.

Are.

Not.

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El Cassetto: a SuperMegaNet novel by Jesse Gordon

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Dookie, a cheesy horror novel by Jesse Gordon

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Jesse Gordon

Geek. Writer. Supreme overlord of the SUPERMEGANET pseudoverse. Author of THE OATMEAL MAN, DOOKIE, and other such wasteful nonsense.