Extra Mass

@jan

I finish my set and go for a shower, hoping Ernie will be gone by the time I get back. Atlas, he’s settled himself and his mess on my bed: laptop, junk food, a couple of pairs of earmuffs, bunches of wadded-up notebook paper littering the area around his sleeping bag. Great, I think to myself. The one night Mom and Dad aren’t out here watching the news, and Ernie has to drop in and spoil the mood.

“Where’d you get the laptop from?” I ask, sitting at my desk.

“On loan from Theo’s closet. He’s got a dozen of these in there. The box was marked ‘Web Testing,’ but I think he’s just a closet hoarder.” Ernie snorts. “Get it?”

“Yeah,” I lie.

“He hoards in secret, and also uses his actual closet—get it?

“I get it.”

“Anyway, he had this LTE USB stick in there, too, so even after power hour is up I can stay online until the battery dies or his data runs out, whichever comes first.”

I unlock my phone and text Theo:

jkounicova > l33t_master > hey

l33t_master > jkounicova > What’s up?

jkounicova > l33t_master > i’ve acquired some extra mass

l33t_master > jkounicova > Let me guess. Ernie?

jkounicova > l33t_master > blackjack

l33t_master > jkounicova > You mean “bingo.”

jkounicova > l33t_master > right

jkounicova > l33t_master > he’s really taking this cassette deal seriously

l33t_master > jkounicova > Yeah.

l33t_master > jkounicova > Crazy.

jkounicova > l33t_master > you think he’s right?

l33t_master > jkounicova > Even if he is, don’t let him fool you. He doesn’t care about the people getting pregnant. He just wants attention. As soon as he realizes that we all know how full of shit he is, he’ll shut up about the whole thing and go back to being his regular, fat self.

jkounicova > l33t_master > any idea how I can speed up the process?

l33t_master > jkounicova > Try a cupcake and a bear trap.

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Jesse Gordon

Geek. Writer. Supreme overlord of the SUPERMEGANET pseudoverse. Author of THE OATMEAL MAN, DOOKIE, and other such wasteful nonsense.