Greetings From the Hellpocalypse


Darklord’s neither my buddy, nor am I ready or willing to have my ass whooped. I don’t know who he is other than the fact that he’s been hounding me recently to join his Hella War party just so he can power-level my barbarian.

Darklord > evil_ernie > join my party bro <Click here to join Darklord’s party>

His profile pic is of some shirtless dude wearing a ’tarded medieval helmet. Wannabe bodybuilder, judging by the overdeveloped pecs and biceps on an otherwise slender frame—like he never got the memo that focusing on the most popular muscles and nothing else doesn’t make you look cool, it makes you look like you’ve got tits.

Darklord > evil_ernie > i’ll go easy on you this time, promise <Click here to join Darklord’s party>

His deathboard ranking is Flaming Nightmare. I’m not proud to admit it, but that’s way ahead of mine (currently Bloody Entrails). We’re talking the Hellpocalypse campaign. You need some serious XP if you want to stay alive, let alone slay any mobs without going through half your inventory each battle. The first time I agreed to join Darklord’s party, it was an innocent mistake. He’d told me he’d help level up my character, which was mostly true—until he’d left me to die inside a bloodfang’s nest. I’d lost so much loot that night! Darklord’s explanation? Bullshit chores! He’d told me he’d make it up to me. The second time I joined his campaign and he’d left me stuck at the bottom of a gingersnoot pit, I started to get suspicious. The third through fifth times were entirely my fault for trusting a stranger. There will be no sixth time. This pec-flex schlongmeister is seriously starting to cramp my style. Anyone cocky enough to pose shirtless for their profile pic is probably a douche and/or douchette anyway—or else a forty-five-year-old loser living out of their parents’ basement.

evil_ernie> Darklord > no thanks dicklord i’ve got better things to do than be cannon fodder for your shitty campaign

Darklord > evil_ernie > aw come on don’t be butthurt. this time will be different I promise <Click here to join Darklord’s party>

evil_ernie> Darklord > lick balls

Darklord > evil_ernie > if you can stay alive for the whole campaign i’ll give you my spare emperor’s talon, maxed out. <Click here to join Darklord’s party>


evil_ernie> Darklord > let’s roll prettyboy

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Jesse Gordon

Geek. Writer. Supreme overlord of the SUPERMEGANET pseudoverse. Author of THE OATMEAL MAN, DOOKIE, and other such wasteful nonsense.