Black-and-White Privilege

@theo

“Ernie, it isn’t this supposed cassette tape that’s getting these girls pregnant. It’s just a racial stereotype. Banda is what some Mexicans listen to when they drink, and drinking is what everyone does when they have sex.”

Ernie sends me a heavy-lidded glare. “I don’t like your generalizing, rich white boy.”

“I don’t know why you keep calling me ‘rich white boy.’”

“You’re rich, you’re white—”

“Dude, my dad’s Chinese-Vietnamese.”

Ernie spreads his arms and inadvertently drops half his cookie onto the ground as he stares me down. “Goten-esque your eyes may be, but otherwise you’re all white bread—”

“And I’m not rich.”

“Oh? Answer me this, then. Do you own a smartphone?”

“Well, yeah, but—”

“Do you live in a two-story, four-bedroom house with fiber-optic Internet connectivity?

“Yeah—”

“Do you have a gym membership? A personal therapist?”

“You know it’s only to help with my insomnia issues—”

Ernie puts on a condescending expression, his finger poised in mid-air. “Rich. White. Boy.”

“Whatever.” I’ve been called worse. At least he’s laying off my Joey Martin skin and its related cache of derogatory nicknames, including (but not limited to): jailbait, jungle boy, jungle butt, little man-feast, nipples, pedo’s delight, RKO Pictures, Tommy Boy, crotch-rag, #BlackAndWhiteLivesMatter—

“Ernie,” Eva says, sighing, “I don’t care what TheDaily Angel says. You can’t get pregnant from listening to a cassette tape.”

Ernie flails his arms, aiming an expression of urgency at her. “It’s not just any tape, it’s the tape—El Cassetto. Like in that movie, The Ring. Only now it’s a cursed cassette tape of Mexican taco music!”

I interject: “Dude, what did I just tell you about the racism thing?”

“Why a tape?” Eva asks. “Why not an evil playlist?”

“Because Mexicans can’t afford the monthly fee,” Ernie replies.

Eva glowers at him. “Are you really an honors student, or is it a title-only kind of thing?”

“You know what?” Ernie rips the wrapper off a fruit pie, takes a hearty bite. Adjusts his bath towel. With his mouth full: “Fucketh the lot of you.”

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El Cassetto: a SuperMegaNet novel by Jesse Gordon

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Jesse Gordon

Geek. Writer. Supreme overlord of the SUPERMEGANET pseudoverse. Author of THE OATMEAL MAN, DOOKIE, and other such wasteful nonsense.