Spontaneous Pregnancies


“A string of spontaneous pregnancies is sweeping the world! They’re saying the pregnancies have been linked to a cassette tape of Mexican banda music, with the pregnees conceiving almost as soon as they listen to it!”

Bewildered, I ask, “Pregnees?

Ernie continues to read: “‘SuperMegaNet users should be especially cautious, since it appears the epidemic, dubbed El Cassetto by various online communities, is spreading primarily via SuperMegaServers worldwide.’” He puts the tabloid down and stares wide-eyed into the distance. “Oh, my Gawd! We use SuperMegaNet!”

Eva looks the other way, embarrassed. “Ugh. Why do I sit here every lunch break?”

Ernie jabs his finger at her. “You could wake up pregnant tomorrow!”

“Not likely. I’m not letting any boy touch me unless—”

“He’s Jan?”

“No! Unless he’s my husband!

“Hear that, Janny Boy?” Ernie nods at Jan. “Bug Eyes said she’ll let you lay down some of that hot, uncircumcised European pipe if you get married!”

Jan looks neither amused nor unamused—his usual, everyday expression. “Ernie, that’s dumb.”

“Maybe for a cold-hearted Czech who doesn’t believe in waiting until marriage to have sex with the girl of her dreams.”

(Eva’s face is turning beet-red.)

“Not that,” Jan says. “I’m talking about the cassette tape.”

“Mexican banda music! Spontaneous pregnancies! Don’t you see what’s happening? El Cassetto has caused saturation in the Mexican population, now it’s after us!”

I roll my eyes, half-successfully focus my attention on my homemade vegan wrap. “Dude, could we make it through a single lunch without you being incredibly naïve and racist?”

“Ignorance doesn’t make the bad go away, junior.”

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El Cassetto: a SuperMegaNet novel by Jesse Gordon

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Dookie, a cheesy horror novel by Jesse Gordon

Published by

Jesse Gordon

Geek. Writer. Supreme overlord of the SUPERMEGANET pseudoverse. Author of THE OATMEAL MAN, DOOKIE, and other such wasteful nonsense.