BestAshEVAR2003, Episode #327: What I’ve Been Up To – Part 1

@ashley

Hello, everyone! Ashley here. I haven’t done any vlogging for a while, and there’s a reason for that, which I’ll reveal at the end of this video. But before I show you, I want to tell you how it happened, because, well…let me say that just when I thought things couldn’t get any weirder than DOSVID-19 and everyone having to dress like it’s The Jungle Book, things got way weirder.

Let’s go back to last Saturday night. I kid you not, it’s, like, the beginning of a cheesy horror movie, with thunder and lightning and wind and rain and everything. My parents are out of town for the weekend, and me and my bestie Zoe—hey, gurl!—are having a sleepover. We didn’t plan for a sleepover. We were chilling all afternoon and lost track of time, and Zoe totally missed evening power hour, and since I forgot to charge my phone—well, duh, you know how SuperMegaNet works. So, I’m like, “Okay, babe, it’s the storm of the century outside. You’re spending the night and uploading back home in the morning. Power’s off, and I am not about sleeping in a big-ass house all by myself!”

So, we’re, like, getting ready for bed. You know, showering and filling our spray bottles and moisturizing each other—because everyone knows the more hydrated your skin is, the less likely you are to catch rogue embers. This is what I use, by the way. It’s called Eternal Sheen, by Milda’s of Portland. Link in the description below.

Anyway, there’s me and Zoe sitting cross-legged on the floor while our loincloths air-dry. Life sucks without washers and dryers, by the way. I’m on edge because of how the rain is absolutely drenching my bedroom window. You can’t even see the streetlights outside. Zoe’s freaking me out, too, because every time she moves around her butt squeaks loudly against the tile floor. We laugh every time it happens, but it’s that nervous kind of laugh. You know, the way you laugh when you’re pretending everything’s awesome sauce even though everyone knows it’s not? Call me crazy, but I do this thing whenever I want to calm my nerves during a storm: I clean, organize, go through old boxes of stuff. It makes me feel like I’m in control. Zoe knows this about me. When I broke up with my last boyfriend, I cleaned. When Peter Template announced he was leaving Members of the Board after their Quarterly Earnings world tour, I sorted. This particular night, I’m decluttering the closet. I’ve got, like, a mess of cardboard boxes and plastic storage containers spread out in front of me.

Zoe—don’t worry, we were six feet apart, we measured—is like, “OMFG, you’re such an OCD freak, Ashley. You know that, right?”

And I’m like, “Say what, girlfriend?”

And Zoe’s like, “Every time it rains you clean your room.”

And I’m like, “You know I, like, had that freak accident as a kid…” True story—but that’s for another video.

So, there I am doing my organizing when Zoe points under the bed and asks, “What’s that?”

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El Cassetto: a SuperMegaNet novel by Jesse Gordon

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Dookie, a cheesy horror novel by Jesse Gordon

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Jesse Gordon

Geek. Writer. Supreme overlord of the SUPERMEGANET pseudoverse. Author of THE OATMEAL MAN, DOOKIE, and other such wasteful nonsense.