An Unlikely Superpower


“So, I have superpowers now,” Ernie announces on downloading to our usual table outside 3 Hags’ Doughnuts.

Theo and I exchange curious glances.

“You’ll forgive me if I don’t suspend my disbelief, fat boy,” Eva says.

Ernie sits, glares at her, adjusts his bath towel. “No, really. I have superpowers.”

“Do tell.”

“Apparently, I can go undisturbed for a whole afternoon holed up in my bedroom doing anything from homework to Hella War, and my grandparents will treat me like I don’t exist. But the very instant I whip out my dick for a little hand-sex—bam! There’s my grams asking about school assignments, dirty laundry, shower time, breakfast, lunch, dinner. It doesn’t matter where she is, near or far. If I’m masturbating, she’ll somehow walk in on me.”

“Isn’t your grandma a cardboard cutout ever since Theo defeated her?” I ask.

(Out of the corner of my eye, I see Theo dipping his head ever so slightly.)

“Yeah,” Ernie answers, “but she can still be annoying as all fuck.”

I shake my head. “You don’t have superpowers. You masturbate too much, and so the likelihood of your babička catching you is increased.”

“My babička, to use your primitive old-world tongue, doesn’t catch me, she’s summoned by unholy forces every single moment I decide to pleasure myself.”

“Is not,” Theo says.

“Is too!” Ernie retorts.




Too!” Ernie reaches inside his bath towel—and I’ll be darned if Mrs. Womack isn’t suddenly propped beside him.

“Ernest, did you finish your—oh!!” she gasps, and her flat, cardboard frame topples over, lies motionless on the ground.

Ernie lets go of himself, jabs a finger at her. “See? See?

“Okay…” Eva says slowly. “That was gross and disgusting and more than a little weird. But it’s not a superpower, it’s just…coincidence.”

“Then how come it happens every time I wank?”

“Maybe because you wank all the time,” Theo suggests with a smirk.

Ernie narrows his eyes at each of us in turn. “Why do I even come to you with my problems?”

Eva says, “Obviously because we’re paying off some bad karma earned in a previous life.”

Love is a little red pixel heart

Thanks for reading!

Dookie, a cheesy horror novel by Jesse Gordon

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Jesse Gordon

Geek. Writer. Supreme overlord of the SUPERMEGANET pseudoverse. Author of THE OATMEAL MAN, DOOKIE, and other such wasteful nonsense.