Bitcoin or Baby?


Wait, why am I standing in a low-ceilinged, rocky hallway with shiny blue bubble-like doors at either end—


I’m in one of the Brinstar bridge corridors from the original Metroid.

A few things of note: the stone walkway is uncomfortably warm beneath my bare feet (I’m still skinned as Joey Martin, which means I’ve arrived on alien-infested Zebes mostly naked and armed with only a toy knife). Toward one end of the corridor, there’s a stack of maybe twenty or so Bitcoins taped to a Roomba that’s about to drive over the edge of the bridge; toward the other, an oblivious, teetering infant also about to go over the edge. This is alarming to no end one, because friggin’ bridge. Two, because beneath us is what looks like either lava, acid, or both, and I haven’t played Metroid recently enough to remember whether we’re above the pit that leads to the Ice Beam—or that infamous dead end at the bottom of a multi-screen free-fall.

Mimi-Siku is, of course, nowhere to be found.

I glance quickly at the Bitcoins.

At the baby.




My legs kick into high gear, and I dash over to the baby, which has one foot extended beyond the walkway’s edge. Scooping the tyke up into my arms, I turn around again just in time to witness the Roomba hurtling to its demise, Bitcoins and all.

The urge to drop to my knees and cry is strong—but just then the bubble-door in front of me ripples open, and Mimi-Siku’s voice sounds over an invisible intercom: “Pass. You may now enter Moyo.”

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Published by

Jesse Gordon

Geek. Writer. Supreme overlord of the SUPERMEGANET pseudoverse. Author of THE OATMEAL MAN, DOOKIE, and other such wasteful nonsense.