The Funko Pop! Discount Bin


There’s a giant bin of discounted Funko Pop! figures at the back of GimmeGimme.

Ernie and I are availing ourselves of it.

Worst Pop! find wins.


“Too easy. Discard.”

“Billy Sherwood.”

“Obscure, but too talented. Discard.”

“Mr. Richards, from Mannequin.”

“Ooh. Keep. Bagu?”

“Fucking keep.” Ernie frowns. “Morgus the Magnificent?”


“Al Stewart.”

“Gimme.” Exempt so as to be purchased and set beside my Alan Parsons back home.

Ernie snickers, holds up a Goten. “Hey, it’s you.”

I glower at him.

He drops Goten, sifts on. “You know what I just realized?”

Oh, wow—a Chevy Chase. Keep. “What?”

“You, me, Bug Eyes, and the dirty Czech—we’re all only children. One of the Barbarian Brothers.”

“For a few more years, yeah. Discard.”

“No, Nerdulon-5000. I mean none of us has any siblings. No brothers or sisters. Karnov.”

“Oh.” Huh. I’ve never thought about it, but…yeah. We are only children. “Keep.”

“You ever wonder what it would be like if you had any brothers or sisters? Atticus Murphy, Jr.”

I think for a moment. “Discard. I mean, Mini and Beta are kind of like my brothers, I guess.”

“A pocket puppet,” Ernie says, “and a creepy metrosexual Asian dude living on a server in your bedroom doesn’t count. Mimi-Siku.”

“Keep. I don’t know. A little brother or sister following me around everywhere? Tommy Vercetti.”

“Discard—too bad-ass. Who says they’d follow you around?”

“You know how little kids are. Don Thorpe—Baywatch.”

“Keeeeep. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. You could pay them slave wages to do your chores for you, and use them as patsies whenever you get in trouble. Old Man Jack.”

“Discard. What if we had to share a bedroom, and they wanted to watch TV or listen to music while I was trying to study? Craig Kilborn.”


“What if I dropped the baby its first day home from the hospital? Keith, Stranger Things.”

“Keep. Hedonism Bot.”

“Discard—intentionally crappy. What if they get hit by a car while I’m walking them home from school? Dr. Marvin Monroe.”

“What if you didn’t turn a simple, harmless hypothetical into a doomsday scenario involving you dropping and/or pushing babies in front of moving cars? Discard.” Ernie pauses, smiles, holds up his next find with pride. “The mutant blob version of Chet from Weird Science.”

I blink, accidental sibling deaths momentarily forgotten. “I believe we have a winner.”

“Literally the shittiest Pop! in the bin.”

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Published by

Jesse Gordon

Geek. Writer. Supreme overlord of the SUPERMEGANET pseudoverse. Author of THE OATMEAL MAN, DOOKIE, and other such wasteful nonsense.