Preteens don’t watch the presidential debates, or the Saturday Night Live sketches making fun of the presidential debates, even. We watch YouTubers making fun of Alec Baldwin and Kate McKinnon making fun of the presidential debates:

Satire version of Alec Baldwin’s satire version of Donald Trump (SVOABSVODT): She’s going to take the baby on the last day of the last month of the pregnancy, and she’s going to rip the baby from womb, she’s going to throw the baby on the floor. She’s going to step on it—

Satire version of Kate McKinnon’s satire version of Hillary Clinton (SVOKMSVOHC): Okay, that’s hardly true—

SVOABSVODT: It’s all true—

SVOKMSVOHC: —and that’s not how it works in these late-term cases, Donald. Let me tell you about some of the mothers I’ve come to know and love over these last—

SVOABSVODT: We’re going to build a wall. We’re going to build a wall, Mexico’s going to foot the bill, and we’re going to put Hillary on the other side of it.

SVOKMSVOHC: Donald, listen. We all like to make-believe. I myself pretended to be my own GMail for years on end. But there’s a time and a place—

SVOABSVODT: We’re going to make America great again!

Or, more precisely, our friends (Summer and Lily—ahem!) make us watch YouTubers making fun of Alec Baldwin and Kate McKinnon making fun of the presidential debates—while we suffer in silence, counting the seconds until the warning bell, wishing for lunchtime to just die already. I know that I don’t understand politics; I don’t need to copy everyone else, pretending I do.

Thankfully, Ernie walks up to our table.

Ernie and what appears to be a nearly-naked jungle boy.

Who’s in black and white.

“Who’s your little friend?” I blurt out, not really caring so much as I’m determined not to let what could be a very well-timed distraction slip through my fingers.

“He says he’s Theo,” Ernie replies, looking doubtful.

“I am Theo,” the jungle boy corrects.

Ernie folds his arms. “Prove it.”

The jungle boy sighs, thinks for a moment. “Your favorite food is honey buns.” He points at me. “Your bedroom is made up like a The Nightmare Before Christmas set.” Addressing the girls: “You’re Summer. You’re Lily.” All of us: “Ernie likes to call me Rich White Boy or Made in China. My favorite band is Asia.”

“Holy shit.” Ernie’s eyes widen. “It is Theo!”

I have to say I’m pretty convinced. Still, I have to ask, “How can you be sure?”

“Because no one in their right mind would openly admit to being an Asia fan.”

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Published by

Jesse Gordon

Geek. Writer. Supreme overlord of the SUPERMEGANET pseudoverse. Author of THE OATMEAL MAN, DOOKIE, and other such wasteful nonsense.